There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We are all done wearing pants today
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
