What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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