I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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