good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
