dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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