My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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