its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
