there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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