How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
