When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
