I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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