I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
