either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
