I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
