Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
