Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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