dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
