The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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