How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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