I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
