Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
