I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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