Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
