last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
