Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
