woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
