Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
