if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
