I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
