The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
