Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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