She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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