I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
