ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And then he peed in my hair
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