so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
