what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she smelled like a LAN party
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
