I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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