Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
