I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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