God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
