i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
