new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
