New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
