foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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