I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
