I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
