dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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