so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
