Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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