Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Panties = found
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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