I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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