i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I didn't notice because vodka
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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