New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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